On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
