Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
