Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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