Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
