the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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