When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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