Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
