that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize