just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
