Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
