i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
