I'm jealous of your bromance
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Randomize
