It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
