Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
