It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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