Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Panties = found
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
