If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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