look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
