Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
