dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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