She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
