Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
