I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
