My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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