Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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