i just wanna soil my oats bro
where am i from again
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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