the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
