just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
