Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
