stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize