I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
