I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
