So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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