i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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