My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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