Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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