there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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