I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
