Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it's great music for shaving your balls
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
