I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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