Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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