Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
