You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize