i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
