Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
