Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
