Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
