Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
