I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize