I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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