I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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