dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
