Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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