ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
