between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
