Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
