the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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