There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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