so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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