i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
