it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
