He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize