The best revenge is premature balding
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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