Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
