I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
