I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
