1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I need a hoe opinion
go on
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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