I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize