My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
